Reevaluating My S.E.L.F

Its 12mn of a very fine Monday! I woke up feeling great this morning! Can’t thank God enough for all the blessings and answered prayers He’s always granting to me.

Yesterday though I was contemplating on the things that I recently did.

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1. I talked to my mom as if I am very sure of what I was telling her. The scenario was, I told mom that my nephew is very sick that I would bring a medicine to him. After she heard me, she went on rage with the mother of my nephew saying all the stuffs she could think of, whether why they are waiting for her to do some actions about my nephew.. and stuffs like where they are taking their money and all.

First of all, I am sick of all the bad things that she would most of the time accuse the mother of my nephews, in fact.. I am not sure if I am on my mom’s side or on theirs. I can’t blame my mom that she have this anger that I feel will never fade because she doesn’t want to let go of it or until the other party will do something to keep her from doing so. My mom is indeed a very helpful person, she is the type that says something but then do different thing as well, I guess she only wanted to help by saying what they could’ve done with their life.

To cut the long story short, I was not prepared (never) to hear negative thoughts yesterday when its over my nephew who is sick, I mean.. why would I brag to them of the things that they did wrong when the current issue is different. So.. I talked back to mom. I told a lot of resbak thoughts that I know really hurts. I told her something like.. ‘she take so much pride of herself, if she don’t help them, it doesn’t mean that no one will.’ It’s also because I got tired of hearing a lot of negative things especially to the way they live their lives. I probably have heard enough. Since before when I was in Dubai, mom would call me and brag about her problem about them, during that time its easier to just hear out mom because I knew she needed company and I am her daughter, I want her to know that she can count on me atleast even for lending an ear.

And before I slept, while realizing that mom do not come to my room recently to check up on me (coz she always does that), I thought I must’ve really hurt her. I could’ve said what I said differently, I could’ve be more sensitive to her feelings, I could’ve atleast shut my ear if I don’t want to hear her, and shut my mouth if there is no good words that will come out. I felt really bad about it. Although we are back to normal today, I still feel that I needed to do something about controlling my reaction so it don’t come out negative from my mouth.

Im-responsible

2. Being sarcastic to the Download guy. On Saturday, I went to the mall with friends to buy movies for my brother. So we found a stall that does what I needed. There was a part in my whole conversation with the guy that wasn’t really good according to my 2 friends. The part were I was giving him my harddrive so he can start the file transfer.. before it happened, I made some gestures like .. if they have the same kind of harddrive in their stall like as if telling him that they might switch to that ‘fake’ one. Well, I wasn’t aware that my reaction and how I talk kind of sounded like too arrogant/bossy.

My friend even made fun of it telling me.. “You’re too much! heheh..” Right after we left they told me that I was yes arrogant with the guy, if its actually her other friend she would hit back on me because of how I talk, I laughed at it and explained to them that it is how I talk, ofcourse they would have to explain to me more why they thought I was bossy. I liked and realised what my friend said,  she said “You made the guy feel as if he’s a thief.” and “If its only us, we wouldn’t mind because we know you, but he is a different person.”

They are right, I should be more sensitive to how I talk, whether its me or if I have to be a different person for the sake of saying things the way it should be said. I used to think why would I become less of me for others, when they are not responsible for me. Then I deeply realised that I must do it the good way because.. I’m leaving a legacy. My boyfriend has been constantly reminding me treating other people good, and because the standard of my good is a little bit different from the standard of other people I am often than not misunderstood. In that case, I have to change my perspective, I used to defend my self that its not my problem if they don’t understand me, but if you come to it about it deeply, you’ll realised (I realised) maybe I have to change. I was honestly afraid of changing my attitude/personality because again, I thought that this is who I am, if I change then its not me anymore. That old phrase is gone now.

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I know it’ll be very hard at first, and honestly its a little bit awkward for myself like.. at the age of early 30’s I am still involved in this kind of personality change thing. I mean.. it should have been solved during teenage days, yet here I am. Ofcourse many other people are also still in this same situation like mine, and like they say.. its hard to undo what you already have been comfortable doing. So its an effort that I am so willing to do.

I wouldn’t like to see my loved ones life get affected by me especially mom and Kris. I am thankful that I have this kind of moment. Sometimes even if I don’t think about it, things just pushing their way for me to contemplate on them. And God must be behind it. Thank you dear God. Thank you for keeping my family close to your heart.

❤ xoxo

P.S din’t proofread. 🙂

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